♥

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

it has been about near to two weeks since i have last posted and i had (bloody) wasted that much amount of a time not doing anything productive with regards to the impending urgent test at hand.

i just completely stopped, doing everything, anything else other than what i am suppose to do. like a (damned) fool awaiting for death. i feel like giving up. and i begin to wonder, at this point of time, it seems as though i have accomplished nothing, i ain't still a ace, why bother. i have (bloody) wasted one year. in denial? in hope? in exasperation for a past glory which will never be fulfilled.

no matter what people tell me, jiayou, you can do it.. (i don't mean to be rude, or anything) they are not working, it seems that i am numbed with it, they just go by cause deep in my heart i know i do not deserve them. shit. this is shit.
can you just take a gun and point it at my head everyday to tell me to get going? i won't hate you by the time comes. by then again, i am supposed to be 'grown' up and should not be relying on others to get going. this show how much i am not an independent person whom i always think i was. I seem to be getting more and more retarded, simple minded? or whatever, no different from any shitheads out there. hopeless. bullshit.

I am desperately hanging on to doing something intellectual without studying now just liek how i use to read newspaper daily, i still am, and now, reduced to watching documentaries. bullshittt.

I have watched flags of our fathers and letters from iwo jima last weekend. Both depicting about the war on iwo jima, difference is one is based on the american side and the other, the japanese. Also, during one of the afternoons, caught this chinese drama about world war ii where the japanese invaded singapore.

watching flags of our fathers made me feel more strongly against the japanese, but letters from iwo jima serves as the counter-effect, or rather more like a neutraliser (if there is such a word, or else, neutralising agent.) no one would love to be engage and thrown for war in any sense. seems as though they were pawns played by major dictators out there.

and there is this sudden fright in me that what if war came, and the friends will be doing the job. but then again i thought in this current age, singapore would most probably be buried under the ocean within minutes under the attack of a nuclear weapon and hence a quick death. But what is the point of creating a nuclear weapon that sinks the country to nothing, you only gain to eliminate something, and time after, it will become a long forgotten fact.

But i have learnt more about Biology thanks to Mr yeow than my past year.